Love and Marriage ….
I don’t want to be married just to be married. I can’t think of anything lonelier than spending the rest of my life with someone I can’t talk to, or worse, someone I can’t be silent with.
Mary Ann Shaffer
This week I celebrated my fifteenth Wedding Anniversary. Actually, that’s not entirely true. Given my married ‘lives’, it was the fortieth time I have observed such an event. I have found love, lost love, and had love, lose me. I am a real-life example of Fitzgerald’s words, “There are all kinds of love in this world but never the same love twice”.
Many offer views on what makes a ‘good’ marriage. Given this is my third one, you may think I might know. I don’t. So, I’m not going to wax lyrical on that score. Instead, I’ll comment on the celebration of married life.
When we use the word celebration, we tend to mean the annual set-piece of the anniversary itself: the family party, lavish lunch, foreign trip, or expensive gift etc. However, I refer to the numerous small ‘celebrations’ that a couple experience in their life together. Those things that might pass without notice at the time.
I have in mind those moments of ‘togetherness’ when one is relaxing in the company of the other. Or if apart, missing the other. It might be in shared conversation or laughter or silent contemplation as they watch the world go by together. A knowing wink across a crowded room. The momentary touch of a hand on an arm. Reading an article of interest aloud to the other. Or going further, reading a whole book. It might, in those times of separation mean sending a piece of music, a song or written word of one to another. Something that might express current thoughts and feelings. It may only be sending a text or IM to say, “I love you” or “I miss you”. Or it might be the giving of a small, unexpected gift. To me, all are in their own way a ‘celebration’ of marriage or partnership, for added together, they make up the real intimacy of a loving relationship. The golden fragments of time or thought that reinforce the desire to be with one’s partner.
So, you might ask what of my own feelings after fifteen years of this marriage? Well, in the speech my son gave when I married, he thanked my wife for helping me, “laugh again”, and it feels like I’ve spent the last 15 years laughing. Yes, my wife and I have our trials and tribulations. They make a marriage, just as much as the golden moments. Without one, you can’t really appreciate the other, but if I try to summarise my life with my wife it would be to say that, “she completes me”.
This particular celebration was no dramatic affair — a day trip to Cardiff. For an hour or so, my wife and I strolled the City on a bright and breezy morning. Then, to warm chilly fingers and noses, we took respite in a richly decorated cafe. We indulged in hot chocolate, marshmallows, and Nutella. Spread thickly on doorstep slices of toast.
Warmed inside and out we continued our stroll before a late gallic lunch beckoned. We thought the cuisine in keeping with the French influences on the architecture of the City. And in keeping with that cuisine, we lingered long over our lunch. The French, as do the Spanish and Italians, know that to appreciate delicious food and wine, one must see dining as an experience. Not just a form of sustenance. And it takes time to realise that experience.
To fully enjoy dining I feel there must also be enjoyable conversation. And as with food, it takes time to savour conversation. To appreciate its flavour as it complements the meal. I wrote earlier I feel I’ve laughed through the last fifteen years. I’ve also conversed with my wife through all that time. That might be what makes a good marriage: laughter and conversation.
